No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
