In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Is Oprah even human
I would fuck him just for his dog
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
