i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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