I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
