Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
