i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
