I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
