i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
