just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
