So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I need to sanitize my soul.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
