I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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