How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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