im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
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