You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
