I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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