She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
