I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
