the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
nutella sex= disaster
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
