your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Randomize
