remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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