does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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