last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
