exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
