I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
