this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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