I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
