The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
