My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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