God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
