You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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