Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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