would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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