I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Randomize
