Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
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