Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
