Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
All I want is dick and wine.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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