I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
