Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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