Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
