I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
