I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
