Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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