moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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