I can't breathe out the right side of my face
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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