You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
