What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
