I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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