i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
