At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
