If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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